Dear Fanfiction Authors
by MaroonLynx
Summary: A series of complaints and comments from everyone from the cast of Shingeki no Kyojin "P.S. I do not enjoy being torture-raped by Captain Levi." -Eren
1. Eren Yeager

Enjoy, although this isn't the most original concept for a story...

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Dear Fanfiction Authors,

This is probably the sickest site I have been on. First off, I do not get RAPED by titans. It is inhumane, sick and because of your fetishes, I could not eat for two days straight. Titans are disgusting and the incarnation of the devil himself. I would never even consider shaking hands with one, let alone having sex. And another thing, I do not have any affections other than respect for Captain Levi! Do not write me moaning helplessly because he looks "too damn fine", it is wrong. We have a strictly professional relationship, and a good friendship that hopefully can be continued if he doesn't find out about this site. Even if some of you sick people had to write scenes like that, please do not be as descriptive as to going down to every last detail, it is awkward and I do not understand how anyone can write such stories about me.

Captain Levi does not have "beautiful, metallic eyes that make my heart leap a mile." His glare freaks the shit out of me, actually, out of everybody for that matter.

His "sexy, masculine, husky, palpable voice" does not make me "stiff". Captain Levi's voice is actually pretty bland and droning, so go do your research before you describe his voice like that from my point of view.

And also, I do not like that fact that some of you are making Mikasa fall in love with Armin. Mikasa ONLY loves Armin as a brother. She does not LOVE him. Since Mikasa is my friend, I have a right to protect her reputation by telling all of you to stop pairing her up with Armin; seriously she does not love him like that! And now some of you idiots are pairing her up with JEAN! That's sick! Mikasa does not LOVE HIM! Or "likes" him, she likes-

Anyways, I am telling you all to put your fantasies under control. To those who portrayed me as the strongest in the Survey Corps, and wrote about me killing all the titans in the world, and being the most admired out of everyone, you have my full supportl. Please keep writing those stories.

But honestly, to those who write about BDSM about me with anyone, just stop it. Your overly-vivid imagination defames my character, and gets in the way of my concentration level when I kill titans, because according to some authors, I have a secret fetish with them.

Sincerely Very Disturbed,

_Eren Yeager_

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**Levi:** What the _fu_-

**Author-chan:** GET HIM OUT OF THIS SITE. HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE IT!

**Levi:** I demand an explanation!

AN: PLEASE GIVE ME REVIEWS….


	2. Levi

_Credit to: Naruto "Dear Fanfiction Author" writers (for humor)_

_Bleach "Dear Fanfiction Author" writers (for anger)_

_Fairy Tail "Dear Fanfiction Author" writers (for annoyance and sarcasm)_

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To whomever that enjoys writing absurdity,

I am writing to you, to address a severely disturbing issue that has troubled me for the past few days. It was until recently I discovered a whole network of blasphemous lies of sex, pleasures and love written about me. The most disturbing would be concerning me and that shame of a warrior, Yeager. Unfortunately, your underdeveloped minds could not wrap around the fact that kicking him in front of all his acquaintances was not in any way romantic. More or less, you turned this into an erotic moment between us and based much of your twisted imagination upon it. After reading two of these repulsive and shameless stories you wasted your time upon, I could not be more appalled. Congratulations, it's an accomplishment you can post on your profile proudly.

Furthermore, even if you will not give up on these nauseating fantasies; consider the fact that I would never be as dirty as to have anyone roll around on me in my office. Spare me some respect for that matter.

Regarding the topic of your "figures of vile imagination" or as you would put it, OCs, here are some things you thought that I would do;

-Blush ferociously at her beauty

-Be defeated by her

-Fight with a fellow comrade over her

-Train with her and have intimate actions during our sparring

-Carry her bridal style

To my defense, I am proud to say that I more chance of being eaten by a Titan than doing those above.

Much of which you're OCs are described as beautiful. How shallow do you fools think I can sink?

I wish I could avert my thoughts somewhere else, but now it seems I must continue; why is it that you think I love Mikasa? Rescuing her from being squashed against a tree with her brains splattered on the trunk does not mean I have any means of pursuing a romantic relationship with her. But it is more logical and reasonable to pair me with her than to shove me alongside _Erwin_. I cannot describe the sick feeling crawling up my throat when I first encountered a macabre story as such of me and him. Disgraceful is your courage to discredit the two of us together.

Of course there were more of these ludicrousness in an otherwise normal network society, but I will not waste my breath pointing them out.

Now excuse me, I will proceed to wash up since this report is contaminated with too much sickness on your behalf.

Lance Corporal Levi

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**I/N:** Trust me, I do not ship MikasaXLevi! Happy Chinese New Year! **I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THOSE WHO WRITE OC FANFICTIONS OR ERWINXLEVI OR ERENXLEVI OR LEVIXMIKASA OR LEVI ANYTHING. THIS IS PURELY NONSENSICAL FUN...that probably isn't all that funny.**

**_Levi: Oh GOD. Is that a picture nude of me and-_**

**_Author: NO. NO. WHAT. NOOOO. *slams laptop down*_**

**_Levi: Petra! Get me my eye drops, NOW.  
_**

**__****_Now tell me, whose next?_**


	3. Armin Arlert

Dear Authors,

Hello, everybody. A few days ago, I found Eren throwing up in the bathroom, when I brought him some water and asked him, he told me to look for myself. Entering this portal where all can "unleash their imagination", I had to admit; some of the things in here are over-imaginative. There is so much false information regarding me! Some of which made me cough, and some that made me turn my head away. One thing that embarrassed me was a few stories regarding me and Eren. Being one of his closest friends, I could not feel uncomfortable at some of the "lemons" you write about us, even though they were written well, it's just that the content was too much for me to take. Eren is a very noble person with an equally wide heart, and I do believe that he is straight. You will get the both of us in deep trouble if Mikasa finds out about you pairing us together! Please take this into consideration, but do not take this to be too offensive.

And some of you also wrote very mature-themed stories about me and Annie; it's very embarrassing and awkward. For one, up until now, I've never considered Annie's feelings-as you say she has-for me, because she doesn't. We share a bond of mutual admiration, and I am very grateful that she spared my life. I do believe she is kind inside, and one day we will be close friends. And as for those of you who expect romance from me and Krista, it will probably not happen. She's an angel for helping us, but nearly everyone crushes hard on her (I do believe Reiner will hurt me if I did, not that I do), I only value her as a trustworthy partner alongside all of us. She has had a really tough past, but it is all of our responsibilities to become the family she's never had. So naturally, you might see me talking with her, but it will not be romantic in any way.

Admitting all these girls you do expect me to reciprocate feelings if at all, they are pretty, but I do not love them. Thank you.

There were also many other girls you wrote with me, and I'll let that slide for now. I may write back again to you if the stories including us double in numbers.

Please also, to those of you who are writing me as "sick, pale or weakly", I do not appreciate it. I have fought and killed my shares of Titans, and I assure you that I do not get the flu every day! And although I possess an above-average intelligence please do not over-exasperate my abilities as to say I am the most powerful. And please do not make me speak vulgar language in your stories; I don't believe I do that. And even if you must write a homosexual story concerning me, please do not make me into a he-she, for I am 100% male. And as for those of you who pair me up with other boys, please do not turn me into a girl somehow, whether it's a story saying I was always a girl hiding her identity or I have just turned into a girl to date...uh, Eren..., by some means of magic, it is not possible. We use divided public dorm showers, with the exception of Captain Levi, and we do have to give our gender before we even enroll in the Corps.

But I do feel flattered to a degree, that many of you wrote very positive and clean stories about me. I enjoyed reading some of them, but for future reference, please take my feelings into consideration.

Sincerely,

Armin Arlert

**_P.S This is Mikasa Ackerman writing. I do not love Armin in a romantic kind of manner. Refrain from writing such impotence immediately._**

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He was the most difficult to write...

Ugh. This is for you, Hipster Armin, since you requested it first. Is Armin in character? Omo, I don't know...please give me feedback on this chapter especially!

**_Now tell me, whose next?_**


	4. Mikasa Ackerman

_~For the beautiful people who wanted Mikasa_

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I will do my best to be polite and say what has been on my mind in a mild manner. Although I do assure you that my words will not be sweet, but I hope you will learn from this experience.

I have a question for you to start; where on earth do you get these ideas?

I have no problem with sexual material, since everyone can get pornography magazines in the town, but I will react if I appear in one without my consent, even if it is written. Themes such as participating in suggestive content with ANY fellow soldiers will not be tolerated.

Especially Captain Levi.

It is written in our code of conducts that soldiers must refrain from having affectionate relationships as it will affect the outcome of an expedition. Despite some of you who are not aware of this, it should be fair to say that I will never engage in the acts you write so passionately about with Captain Levi. It simply cannot and will not happen. I do not find his crude sense of humor respectable, and I have not found it in me to completely accept him since he harmed Eren; even if it was sufficient or necessary as punishment.

Finding these stories, I would like the writers to take note that many of their stories are very poorly written. If you wish to portray me as an emotionless person (which I argue that I am not), why make me blush around certain people and act out of the character you decided to write me in? Why presume me to be lesbian when I clearly showed no interest in soldiers of female gender? Why not proofread your chapters, stocked full of grammar mistakes, before rushing on to complete the rest?

Please study the basic principles of writing before butchering literature.

I also do not understand why you think something other than comradeship will become of me and Jean. I think I made it fairly obvious that I do not return his feelings by cutting my hair. I have no interests in a man who fell for me only because I looked beautiful to him.

So do not speculate, simply consider the facts before you assume.

It is obvious you hold little care towards preserving my personality, background and interests. So I will cue you in;

-Eren is not blood-related to me

-I am not interested in same-sex relationships

-I regard Captain Levi only with respect at most

-I am currently not interested in being in a relationship

-I do not moan (anyone who will further include me doing this will face consequences)

Although I may not know who these writers are, but your stories do reflect quite a bit about the type of person you are.

Please earn some respect for yourself by discontinuing stories of which show little intelligence, this includes sexual fantasies and poor characterization.

-_M. Ackerman_

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Yee-ah, Mikasa is done. Is she in character? Hope so.

ISAYAMA. YOU ARE A NOSTRIL FOR KILLING OFF PETRA. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU SLICED OPEN MY FEELS TOO...?

**Who is next?**


	5. Krista LenzHistoria Reiss

Jean's letter has been postponed. For now, here is Krista Lenz/Historia Reiss

Spoilers $$$

Please review for next character.

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Hello fellow writers of Fanfiction,

My name is Krista Lenz, and I have been surfing on this site for only about three days; mainly in the Shingeki no Kyoujin section. I have seen amazing works of literature on this site, and have sent a few anonymous reviews for them, because it seems like that writers like getting feedback (after all, many put "please review" at the end of each chapter). Some of the stories, although far from canon, seemed very real and intriguing, and I thought that for the most part, everyone was correctly characterized. Good job!

Even though I hate pointing out negativity, I really disapprove of the "Ymir and Krista" fan-fictions. Ymir is great person, with an equally great heart, who has helped me grow as a soldier and as a person, and writing such degrading (I'm sorry) episodes about her really irks me. Scripting us lesbians makes me feel uncomfortable as well, since I really am not and I do plan on getting married in the future. But if it really means very much to you writing such online novels, you have my permission on my behalf, but please do not write about Ymir, as her reaction may differ.

And as for Armin, I do not have any feelings towards him nor him to me, since I do not really talk with him all that often. Armin usually spends most of his time around Eren or curled up in a chair reading thick encyclopaedias (I peeked once, it was something about the anatomy of the neck; sternothyroid muscles, I think?). But he is very kind towards everyone and his bravery has impacted many soldiers, and I do wish that we will get to know each other better in the future.

And what is with the rumors? Does Reiner really want to marry me? That's strange! He hardly spoke to me after our encounter on the battlefield. But even if he did, I don't think it's too possible. After all, he did betray humanity and almost succeeded in kidnapping Eren…but it's not impossible, since there is also a chance that he will come back to us again. I do believe he will change and be the kind, strong and charismatic soldier that others say he is! But if he ever confesses to me, I'll be sure to let you know first!

So, I guess that's it, everyone. Thank you for taking the time and reading about what I have to say! It would mean so much if you could acknowledge my opinions! Also thank you, everyone, for pouring their heart, time and thoughts into creating some of the most astounding stories I have ever read, thank you!

I believe that all of the writers who write about us are full of potential and should continue writing!

Blessings and love,

Krista Lenz

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Please, what do you know?

Krista Lenz is the kind and dulcet facade that I put on. It's surprising that most of you hadn't seen through it sooner. I have no intentions of taking on any romantic relationships and much less from the bloodthirsty men from our troops. I am rather offended that you think your precious "Yumikuri" would become canon. It won't. I, as for now, have little care for much of anything. Without adopting a personality to paint over who I really am, I apologize for not saying kinder words to you. Ymir is a strange soul, and I doubt that she knows who I really am. Are you disappointed? I'm sorry if you are scared by the true me. All I ever wanted was to be remembered as the crystal angel I was thought to be, but since that last wish of mine will not be granted, I am suspended in the medium of death and life, with no room for others to join me. You may continue your stories, but it will look rather stupid since your characterization of me was nothing more than a flitting shadow of a human.

-Historia Reiss-

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My gosh. That was so hard. I'm sorry if I accidentally butchered her character...DONT KILL MEEEEEE!. Oh and like all authors, I enjoy reviews...So please, review. Thank you.

And have a yuri-licious day. That'll be all. Thanks.

Tell me, lovely peoples, who should be next?


	6. Hanji Zoe

**WOOT MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP~**

**Yes, I am not dead. YET. I've just gone to Vegas! There were drunk people, homeless people and crazy drug addicts following us around! It was so fun. It actually was. Really. Visit my Instagram for more pictures. But you'll have to PM me first for the address...and yes, you'll be able to see my selfies~ (SHIELD YER EYES!)**

**Lovely Peoples! I proudly present fresh mail from Hanji Zoe!**

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Hello!

Alright! I think I'll finally reply to you guys, after all, if you people were the reason behind Captain Levi's horror and disgust, you are worth surveying! Congratulations by the way, because of your kind works, he has yet to hurl any insults in my face at all this week! Instead, he's been sick in bed! That's rather rare for him since he's always been a stuck-up little narcissist ever since he joined the Corps, never once bedridden. On the topic of Captain Levi, I will begin with this! I. Do. Not. Like. Him. Get it? Do you see the words; the letters; my opinion? Alright onto my next point! I am a female. Now don't you go listening to those nasty rumors about me; I bet some soldiers spread that about me because I can kill more titans than they can. Worry-warts most of them, afraid of the slightest twitch of a titan! So really, it's quite true that I am _more manly_ than them, but that doesn't make me a man!

Funny how they don't spread that about Mikasa-san, even though she's stronger than me by half a mile! Strange isn't it, huh? And yes, I might be slightly on the less-robust side when it comes to chest size, but hey, Petra-san isn't all that curvaceous either and no one comes up with the wild notions you spread about me! Don't let it get in your brain cells that I have a male genitalia, as that would be much unappreciated. Yes, fellow writers, I have seen such stories! One out of every ten stories about me has it so!

It's strange, I'll admit, but it's also very refreshing to see me portrayed in the opposite gender, quite entertaining! But I'd _much rather_ be female...there has to be a border between fiction and insanity, right? We must not let the ratios of these stories climb _any_ higher now, can we?

If you don't agree, sadly, I might have to send you off to the interrogation rooms and have you straightened out...and that's the last thing I need to do...but I'd do it for humanity's sake since we really don't need disruption in the soldiers concerning my gender. Don't worry, I'll be checking out the statistics every Tuesday!

Am I eccentric? I think not! Do you people not find Titans positively fascinating and beautiful? If not, I am offended! We, as humans, must take on the role of studying and gaining deeper knowledge of them! That is what will make us victorious. And how can we acquire knowledge from these exotic creatures if we do not even find them compelling to look at? Titans are really amazing! The anatomy, sheer regeneration capabilities, the expressions and the each and every unique, astounding trait! Amazing! It's amazing!

Do you want to know what I find even more superb than a Titan? Eren Jaeger! Yes! He is a Titan capable of numerous intellectual feats! He is a beautiful piece of work! A mystery yet to be solved by me! I get hungry just thinking about him! If it wasn't for Mikasa-san always urging him to rest and to eat (such a mother!), I would eagerly study him for twenty-four hours straight! Doesn't anyone understand the importance of this matter? He's a new breed! Who cares if he doesn't get enough sleep! Why won't anyone listen to me? Thank goodness you people are still reading this letter, feel free to drop in on me sometime too! It's rather lonely in my workplace, no visitors at all! Can you believe it? I wonder why...there are so many interesting things to see...

But now, I don't think that's the reason I'm writing to you all…is it? I don't know! I hope I cleared up a few things! And whatever people say about me, that I'm "crazy" or "loony", don't listen to them! Because I am not! I'm simply curious about the nature of things and I like to question. I am a dutiful scientist who is more passionate than others (I strictly believe that all scientists should be zealous of their work)! I am _not_ a total nut who is in love with Captain Levi and happens to be male! That's ridiculous!

Thank you, fellow audience, now please excuse me for this short letter, I really have to get back to studying Boyde; he's the new Titan Commander Erwin brought back for me! It's unbelievable!

Regards,

Hanji Zoe

P.S:_ My unit is currently searching for volunteers to participate in an **experiment** involving a serum. We believe that **this serum will aid regeneration.** If interested, please report to either me or Captain Levi (although interruption on his daily routine is HIGHLY **not recommended** and we are not responsible for the consequences that will follow). Subjects **may** suffer slight side effects of vomiting, nausea or in unlikely cases, death. **The Survey Corps is not obliged under law to compensate for any of these reactions**. Volunteers, however, will be rewarded._

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**Isayama**: Actually, Hanji-san, I created you to be male...

**Hanji**: What?! But my voice-

**Isayama**: The SNK Anime Team messed up...they got you the wrong voice actor. They had Romi-san do a female voice instead of a male-ish voice, like Toshiro Hitsugaya's, from the anime Bleach.

**Hanji**: RIGHT! Bleach! They've got nice Titans!

**Isayama**: I believe they are called "Hollows"

**Hanji**: That even_ SOUNDS_ sexy!

**Me**：Lol you guis are not funny.

**Levi**:"..."

**Levi**: Dipshits.

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Wow. She was a toughie. I tried to tackle her strange personality. I might edit this one later.

Now please resume your beauty, and tell me this,

**Who is next to reply to your fanfictions?**


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